i had a day to work on the weekend and though i was aching to get into it, i was circling around things on my desk, still at the difficult beginning stage.
there's a bit of a battle going on with this at the moment ~ bound to be the case i guess as there has been so much change in my life this year {stuff you probably already know from reading}: my health situation/future is promising but ultimately and unavoidably uncertain {something i can live with day to day, but it still hangs there}, my 'husband' removed himself, the kids and i have moved house, there is no clear routine set up yet, i have processed a change of school for the kids for next year {for the better!} . . . when i lay it all out like this it sounds like one of those stories that happens to people who are somebody a friend of a friend knows, the stuff that sells gossip magazines! or maybe it just feels that way once all the details are there {i won't bore you!}.
but, i can feel the mixed heaviness and excitement/promise of more change and the financial pressure {financial support while i work away on my thing isn't there anymore} conflicting with reality and both holding up and forcing the change at the same time! a strange cycle! the reality: i'm still averaging 3 appointments a week until mid january and recovering from the year so far; my youngest isn't at school until next year; there is far less mental energy available for working and creativity as a single parent; my business is kind of on hold/hasn't yet flowed to a point of being able to look like an income . . . .
the positive change which feels on the verge but somehow blocked includes changing my name, changing my business name {which is tied up with a very romantic version of the x} and also changing my work practice in a few ways. the block with the first two is my lack of imagination and the realisation that i'm not at a point where i can choose something suitably uplifting and fitting just yet ~ i can't know what the future will hold til it starts! the block with my work is to do with lack of time and the almost-year of not working taking its toll on my confidence and momentum. i remind myself that this will have a chance to get better next year when my youngest starts school and my appointments slow right down to checkups.
in the meantime? i can agree to muck around with whatever comes along until the time is right, i guess! without stressing! i hope.
anyway, i know this post is personal {i've had it forming in my head in vague snippets for a while, along with a million other things and ignoring it seems to block other posts from forming} but i value the friendships i've made here, and honesty ~ although i still cling to protecting my privacy from people who no longer matter . . . maybe by writing about this stuff, some of it can start flowing/come
unstuck in a good way and even help with progress! acknowledgment is the first step isn't it?
:: the 2nd and 3rd sketch are random ideas that have popped up in the process of getting started! the first one feels like where i want to be heading and a bit familiar.
hope your week is good so far!
