Tuesday, October 23, 2012

a personal but still work-related post ~ avert your eyes if you like!



i had a day to work on the weekend and though i was aching to get into it, i was circling around things on my desk, still at the difficult beginning stage.

there's a bit of a battle going on with this at the moment ~ bound to be the case i guess as there has been so much change in my life this year {stuff you probably already know from reading}: my health situation/future is promising but ultimately and unavoidably uncertain {something i can live with day to day, but it still hangs there}, my 'husband' removed himself, the kids and i have moved house, there is no clear routine set up yet, i have processed a change of school for the kids for next year {for the better!} . . .  when i lay it all out like this it sounds like one of those stories that happens to people who are somebody a friend of a friend knows, the stuff that sells gossip magazines! or maybe it just feels that way once all the details are there {i won't bore you!}.

but, i can feel the mixed heaviness and excitement/promise of more change and the financial pressure {financial support while i work away on my thing isn't there anymore} conflicting with reality and both holding up and forcing the change at the same time! a strange cycle! the reality: i'm still averaging 3 appointments a week until mid january and recovering from the year so far; my youngest isn't at school until next year; there is far less mental energy available for working and creativity as a single parent; my business is kind of on hold/hasn't yet flowed to a point of being able to look like an income . . . .

the positive change which feels on the verge but somehow blocked includes changing my name, changing my business name {which is tied up with a very romantic version of the x} and also changing my work practice in a few ways. the block with the first two is my lack of imagination and the realisation that i'm not at a point where i can choose something suitably uplifting and fitting just yet ~ i can't know what the future will hold til it starts! the block with my work is to do with lack of time and the almost-year of not working taking its toll on my confidence and momentum. i remind myself that this will have a chance to get better next year when my youngest starts school and my appointments slow right down to checkups.

in the meantime? i can agree to muck around with whatever comes along until the time is right, i guess! without stressing! i hope.

anyway, i know this post is personal {i've had it forming in my head in vague snippets for a while, along with a million other things and ignoring it seems to block other posts from forming} but i value the friendships i've made here, and honesty ~ although i still cling to protecting my privacy from people who no longer matter . . .  maybe by writing about this stuff, some of it can start flowing/come unstuck in a good way and even help with progress! acknowledgment is the first step isn't it?

:: the 2nd and 3rd sketch are random ideas that have popped up in the process of getting started! the first one feels like where i want to be heading and a bit familiar.

hope your week is good so far!



16 comments:

prettylittlethieves said...

I am sorry for all that you have been through and all that you continue to go through. I know that you have the courage and strength to deal with it even though at times it may seem overwhelming. I admire you for being brave enough to share your life here. and know that so many of us are rooting for you.

edward and lilly said...

What a crazy year you have had! Only good things can come to you now, your strength is so admirable xx

June rhymes with moon said...

first, all my best wishes for you. I hope you know there's a lot of people on your side even if we're not near :)

and thank you for letting us know what's going on with you...it's good to hear from you. I'm a little behind on events (spent a lot of time offline recently) but I'm so glad to hear how you're processing all this. I have complete faith that you'll get through this.

hope to stay in touch with you more now!

flowerpress said...

We're still here cheering you along as your world and your days change. It sounds like you are doing amazingly considering the hurdles that have landed in your way.
Thanks for the update, its always good to hear from you good or bad :-)

Cathy {tinniegirl} said...

I like personal. It's nice. But I get wanting to protect your privacy, particularly given what you've been through this year. It's very frustrating to think that people who have chosen to 'opt out' can still keep up with you through a blog.

I hope that next year brings so many good things.

As for losing momentum and confidence I went through that this year too. I even lost my steady hand from being so out of practice. The best thing I've done is just get the paint out and play, without worrying about the outcome and eventually the mojo started to return. Hope yours does too.

annie said...

The loss of making mojo, the endless appointments a subsequent drain on time and energy...it is all like a frustrating limbo isn't it? You sound a little further on than me. Fresh starts take time but might have all sorts of new freedoms too. Here's hoping...

Alisa said...

Sometimes a personal post is itself a part of purging and moving on. There are good things coming, you are overdue for a whole heap of it. Big Hugs, Alisa xx

lamina@do a bit said...

Big hugs... too much to happento one lovely person in one year!!! Crazy! It's good to hear how you are going... I really hope everything will get better soon! New beginings can be very inspiring :)

Love your art works especially the last one the colours are gorgeous!

tangled sky studio said...

a spilling out of information is necessary from time to time. it's makes this place more real. it lets us in a bit so we can continue to read and support and encourage. you are brave and strong and i wish you all the best in the months to come.

b

Simply Phoebe said...

I haven't been keeping up with blog readin much lately and don't always comment, but this has really moved me, after a couple of weeks of not the best news for some people around me.

Life completely bewilders me sometimes, the way the most lovely people get thrown the biggest curve balls.

You have an amazing quiet sense of strength Belinda, which also shows through in your beautiful work. Your print that I own sits above my work desk and provides such a feeling of clarity and calm when I need it. And now I've just snapped up me of those new phone cases to take it with me everywhere I go.

As hard as I know it can be with having the tie and mental space sometimes, I hope you will keep creating, for your sake and ours. ;)

Wishing you all the best and sending lots of good energy your way.

june at noon said...

It's always nice to hear from you, Belinda. Change can be so overwhelming, and you've had more than your share of it. I'm glad you're hanging in there. Your work is lovely!

Christina Lowry said...

I can only second what every one else has said here and add, hurry up 2013! Here's to new years, new starts and beautiful beginnings. xx

Anastasia Egorova said...

Courage and force, Belinda!
My warmest hugs to you and all your family!
xx

Krystal said...

i'm sending over as much encouragement as you can handle! you have gone through huge changes lately...but thanks for sharing- i think you rock and will be successful with whatever you do, so get to work ;)

Aether-art said...

Lovely to hear more from you and where you are at. If you don't mind me saying, you remind me of a gumtree that has been ravaged by bushfire, but is now sprouting beautiful, delicate, bushy green growth. May you continue to grow and thrive and work out which is the best direction to send your shoots out into.

Kylie Hunt said...

It has been an awful year Belinda and I hope you know that you can count on me for any help I can possibly give you. I started my blog/shop/facebook everything anew this year because of different circumstances and can happily report that I feel so much happier now... unencumbered is the best word to describe it. I'm wishing the same for you hon :) Kx

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